Last night i met Manuel who's real name is Fu Zhi or something. Of course i thought he was one of the many Japanese, he wears black and has long hair, which is not uncommon for male flamencos, Japanese or otherwise. Itś just that you dont usually expect them to be Chinese. Anyways Ive seen him around and finally met and he patiently listened while I attempted to remember how to say a few simple sentences. Heś been here about the same time as me and hasnt met many people to speak his language with, so maybe i will have more chances.

I hung around like a groupie after the show in which Cristo sang. Nearly the entire audience was hanging out in the street and everyone followed everyone else to the Coralon, a place I was familiar with when they were in their old location right beside my old studio. They'd changed locations sometime last year due to the whole thing being illegal and depending completely on neighbours not making complaints. They opened up in what i believe was an old hat factory but I'd heard they were closed down there just about right away and didn't try to go again. But they are alive and well and it is an incredible space. This is one situation in which the word 'space' makes sense and isn't at all pretentious. the space they use is a huge open 'courtyard'... a small gravel lot wedged between an abandoned building and some other buildings plus a slightly cavernous place with partly exposed brick and a very rough floor partly sandy in places. Someone had their motorcycle parked inside in a smaller 'room' (part of the space behind a pillar) and they'd decorated it with a lot of horseshoes, a halter/bridle with a large iron pendant hanging off it, of the virgen del rocio, which i thought was very cute as one sees necklaces for people with virgen del rocio pendants.

I have to say that there is a very good reason i have not hung out in these kinds of places much, which is what I am supposed to do if i really want to be part of the scene here. Unless I go along with someone, it is slightly reminiscent of school: a massive number of people, milling around mixing, having probably inane conversations, all of whom are possibilities to meet and hang out or chat with, if you have the nerve and know how to socially handle large crowds. Sticking yourself in conversations you don't know if you belong in or will be welcome in (culturally influenced), interrupting to say hello to someone you once met or have seen a lot but don't know yet. I am making it sound worse than it is... i did know a few people, and luckily the guitarist's cousin who was visiting from israel was also kind of alone and wanted someone to speak English to. i kind of stuck myself into Cristo's French crowd at the beginning when i dorkily hung around after the show wondering if something else was going to happen. When the person you came to see is the most popular guy there you can't exactly hang off him the whole time! The guitarist, Idan, who is a fixture in the tablaos around here and a very good guitarist, played nonstop (cousin says he never puts down his guitar) until some pros came in from a show. Some other recogniseable guys who play on larger stages. after a while they started up and everyone surrounded them inside. It was a very cool atmosphere with guys singing and dancing bulerias constantly for a while. The kind of place i guess i want to be but insecurity keeps me from it. well, and desire to sleep.

Well this isn't the kind of thing one usually blogs about but i am sure there are others with similar insecurities in these kind of circumstances. I don't think i would be fully satisfied with a quiet life of sitting in a workshop making things, though that would be far more comfortable for me.

Today Pepa's entire family is here with their respective spouses and children for dinner which she has laboured over for a couple of days planning, buying, cutting and that after a week where she could hardly move. She confessed to me that she can't do it anymore. She was so stressed before it. How awful. having to keep up face in front of your children. I told her she shouldn't do that and they should come here and help her. she replied that when she goes to their houses they treat her royally so she must reciprocate. oh well...

I saw the most perfect place to live, in the entire world, yesterday. i saw a for rent sign and called immediately. It was in an old fashioned courtyard house (more like apartment building). it had a long interior courtyard full of plants, tended by the very cute little man Ramon, who showed me around. the 1 bedroom apartment was utterly perfect: not too new, so it had some character, but in excellent repair. a huge room, huge wardrobe, huge bed, excellent bathroom tons of light, perfect kitchen. Perfect everything. The other inhabitants are almost all young professional couples and people tend to hang out with each other. It was perfectly quiet and he says it usually is. I looked because ive thought of the possibility of trying to get a place alone and be able to teach in it. it would cost more but perhaps i'd be able to afford more if i could stick students in consecutive hours while i stay in one place rather than racing around the city. But i am not sure if i can make the leap. I am barely surviving. It would be 2/3 more than I currently pay for rent and i'd have to find a lot of work quickly. I desperately need to change the way i am doing things... i dont know if i am ready to risk renting an expensive (ha ha) place yet. For this kind of place in Vancouver if it existed, you'd pay $1000 easily, once you factored in bills, and most likely more. It's €450 before bills. Probably €500 or a little more. I could make up to 800 a month currently, if none of my students cancel lessons. More likely Ive been making around 600. not really enough to take dance classes or even rent a studio, if i want to go out for coffee, tapas, wine.

But most people of my generation who do anything of value that they can be satisfied with in their lives, have had to construct it themselves -  have an idea and then fight for it, figure it out, risk and make it happen. I dont feel very capable of that. 90% of the problem is people. How to advertise, whether I could handle the emotional pressure of that many classes without losing my soul and getting depressed, and even how to tell Pepa i would be moving out, when I know she doesn't want me to and already got pissed off when I mentioned it. I don't know what to do: to make a leap of faith and put myself in the position of finding more work that I may be highly capable of finding and doing (but i dont know at all) and having an excellent place as something that drives me forward... maybe this is the only way I will go forward... or to be reasonable and not stress myself out and slowly build up. Sometimes i feel that if I don't go for it, I will end up being really lame, staying in a situation that is not using my capabilities, depressing me and keeping me from doing the things I want ...

It is time to do some work. one thing is to see if the sleeve i drafted fits the blouse and works. I am sewing the whole blouse by hand as i still dont have a sewing machine.