the last few days Sevilla has been magic. Just when i am thinking of leaving.
thursday night i walked back from teaching, past the cathedral, along the south side where I dont usually go. There was a breeze and thousands of swallows were screeching and riding the breezes way high up, constantly forming different patterns in the sky, beside the cathedral's cornices. Several evenings have been unbelievably beautiful. Of course there are always people playing accordions and stuff along with all that.
On Friday, i went to teach the remaining Paco early, since its kind of a long weekend. Since i had an awkward break between him and Marcelino, i camped out in Maria's shop, really I think almost my favorite thing to do in the entire city. At 5:30 all the bells in the Giralda started ringing at once. This is not an everyday occurence. It is Corpus Cristi. They celebrate it over a period of a week or more here, though I think the actual day may be just one day. Maria told me to go look, so I ran down Calle Mateos Gago and stood staring at about 20 huge bells in the tower ringing.

This morning incredible exotic, fantastic music woke me up. it was the marching bands (not even remotely like any marching band you'd be used to) celebrating Corpus Cristi. I went out just before noon, in time to catch breakfast at a nearby bar, as i have not had a chance to restock breakfast supplies at home. Calle Rodrigo de Triana was full of people, dressed up, and stopping to cross themselves in front of ornate altars set up at intervals: adorned with fresh flowers, silver candelabra, beautiful virgen with baby Jesus´s and many candles they have to keep lighting. People were walking around clutching stems of wheat and rosemary... from what I understand, ancient pagan harvest or fertility stuff mixed in with Christianity back in the middle ages.
As for me, I ordered, with some difficulty, from the waiters concerned with the massive stack of dirty plates and other customers asking for bills, my favorite breakfast, maybe in the world - cafe solo y tostada con tomate y aceite. I stood outside at a standing table on the street and watched the people pass and took the opportunity to stare at the amazing buildings that are part of my environment.

One of my students at Zaizi, the company, said that morning that Sevillanos have a very "particular" character. They are a bit close-minded and some of their traditions are a bit senseless. He is from a town nearby. For example, they arent really religious but they dress up in all the religious get-up for Semana Santa and parade around... he doesnt think much of that. His co-worker is a Sevillano and dresses up as a Nazareno (pointed hat guy) with his entire family, every year. It is simply a tradition. They argued a bit. The first one said that Sevillanos tend to be a closed because they think they've got it all in Sevilla and nowhere else in the world really comes close, so they dont really care to know about it. He admitted, though, that Sevilla probably was the most beautiful city in the world and so the Sevillanos have some reason behind their annoying behaviour/attitude.

After returning from Jerez yesterday, I felt the same. Where else do you get stunning horses routinely pulling ancient, gorgeously kept up carriages around the streets? That was the first sight i saw as the bus came into the city center.

I went on a reconnaisance tour to Jerez. This time I had nowhere to stay. I had not prepared in advance much except to look up a bunch of apartments on the internet, but hadnt called anyone till i actually got on the bus. Maria's advice is excellent philosophically, but sometimes doesnt pan out practically. When she tells me not to worry about the future and just do what makes sense now and see what you feel like tomorrow when it arrives, it helps a lot to make decisions about the now. But when she tells me to just go to Jerez and look around on the street for signs ... well, she is thinking about another era. Unfortunately, a huge percentage of apartment looking must be done through stupid agencies that dont work on Saturday or Sunday, when people are most likely to be able to come down from Sevilla, for example. Anyways, her advice was right in the end. I managed to make connections in a different way.

At the moment i wish it were possible to get a mortgage. I am missing two key things that the bank would obviously want. i will not state those things, as it is not good to state them. Suffice it to say that real estate in jerez right now is so utterly dirt cheap its not even funny. I could buy a very cute little one bedroom apartment for as little as 25,000€. Checking that on a mortgage calculator, I'd be paying 170€ a month, at whatever interest rate was the default in the calculator, and for 20 years. That is less than what it costs to rent a shared, crappy apartment in Sevilla, about the same as a decent shared apartment in Jerez, almost half of what I pay now for a decent shared apartment in Sevilla and almost half of what I'll be paying in Jerez for renting a 1 bedroom. Granted, I don't know what the quality of this apartment would be, but the pictures on the internet didnt look bad. There was one that looked really reasonable for 30,000. With extra costs, it would come up a little bit but still would be no more than I pay now.

I have wanted to live in Jerez since the start. i have avoided it because of a friend's discouragement, and thinking i wouldnt be able to get work and so on. mostly excuses to do what I feel is calling me. I still feel a bit uncertain but believe its probably where I should be. I felt very strongly about it last year, and again this year during the festival. Sevilla is more beautiful, has more going on, i have friends here now... etc, etc. But somehow I dont think any of that matters all that much. Perhaps i like Jerez so much because it has remained the place I go to escape, on holidays -  i havent yet worked there or tried to live a 'normal' life. So maybe I am fooling myself. but i believe there is more to it. First of all, i crave the peace and quiet that is there. There are all sorts of things that worry me that perhaps i am just trying to run away from my problems instead of learning to deal with them. That may partially be the case right now, and of course I will escape nothing in the end, except perhaps a little bit of stress due to the relative size and busy-ness of Sevilla. In the past anyways, it has been more that something intense is drawing me there, despite whatever illusions i may have about it being magic and an escape.

The most noticeable thing about it aside from the peace and absence of people on a Saturday afternoon, is the different behaviour of men. Sometimes I thought I must be exaggerating it. I stopped to figure out what to do at Bar Los Tres Reyes, where I'd been with Geoffrey two weeks ago. I was a bit hesitant as I didnt know if I wanted them to recognise me or to see the same people. As much as it was fun last time, it was also muy fuerte (intense). I didnt see the same guys so I ordered a tinto de verano (less alcohol, i am trying not to drink right now as i have some funny health reactions). It wasnt long before a flamenco singer that insisted he only sings on big stages and not in the streets, came along with a torero (bullfighter) and insisted that i put on a bracelet. the 'flamenco singer' insisted so hard that i didnt know how to refuse. i refused quite strongly several times but he was even more insistent, so in those cases i figure that it is their fault if they go and expect anything from me afterwards. the trouble is, i am not sure if it works that way. i still do not understand those kinds of situations... at least in jerez. i think if you absolutely do not want any trouble from a guy, you probably have to beat him at his game of who is the most powerful insister. he poured me a drink from his bottle of jerez, despite strong insistence. i agreed to sit with them for a bit and laughed at their silliness and antics. probably i am a lame sucker for men's attention even if they are losers. on the other hand, i am also an open person who doesnt like to judge people and likes to connect, giving them a chance to be silly up to a certain point, without getting all uptight. the 'flamenco singer' who said he sung jondo (deep, serious) flamenco, when asked (thing like bulerias, siguiriyas, he said) kept commenting on how i could possibly be so guapa and be 40. Very amusingly pretending he had to avert his eyes from me after looking down to my feet and saying that I was guapa even down to my toes. Someone else at a different table told me I had to understand that people here like 'cachondeo' (to joke around). I suppose that i have enough sense to understand that it is all just fun and nobody is going to hurt me. though it can be uncomfortable at times. The thing is, i dont know what to do with it or exactly how to handle it and this makes me curious. that is partly why i go along with it for a while. I was very hesitant to give him my phone number. He got a pen but finally stopped when i said I'm not sure or i dont know, I might give it to you but probably wont go out with you if you call me. Then he disappeared. About then, some of the other men who were there last time were starting to arrive. They recognised me and pulled me into their circle. one man was new since last time, undoubtedly not new to them though! He was a crazy old character, and I felt safe enough with him despite his intenseness. They started singing, Salmonete arrived, Emilio told me to dance. I hung out for quite a while, talked with the cousin of Joaquin Grilo (famous dancer), being the center of attention of what other girls might think of as a bunch of dirty old men, but who are totally harmless (well perhaps except for one or two who were a bit slimy). The same crazy, missing tooth guy with his polkadot shirt came by. He was cachondeo-ing like crazy with my new friend Kiki de Jerez. Kiki told me 'he is macho (male) but he has a novio (boyfriend)'. They are supposed to be notoriously homophobic in jerez, but these men despite their age, seemed to be quite accepting and were joking around hilariously and rather crudely to be quite honest. The crazy polkadot guy danced, alternating with some dancing by me. This time he did fall on the floor, as part of his bulerias routine, like they told me last time.
At one point, Emilio leaned over the bar and said, you dont have to worry here, we are all good people and you should feel free to express yourself if you want to dance. We all do the best we can. Dont worry if you are learning. They all tell me I dance well. This time I didnt dance as well as last time. they were being super hospitable to me, really, wanting to give me a chance to practice my dancing and singing for me. Kiki at one point sang an extremely intense Sevillanas letra, at the top of his lungs, his face going red from the exertion. It is fascinating to see these people in action. Fascinating to see them put so much emotion into expressing themselves, fascinating the way Emilio got up from his chair behind the bar, and grabbed Kiki's hand to shake it, saying some casual thanks or encouragement with real sincerity. they appreciate it when each other lets out what is inside, in a genuine way. Emilio is an excellent singer. He sanf a couple times for me and said once, this is for Ana with all my corazon.

What came out of it practically was that Kiki knew someone with an apartment for rent and so did another onlooker, Luis, who was more of a normal guy, around my age. I went to look at Luis's place later on, after having a lunch of bread, cheese, lomo, and a tomato that I ate like an apple, sitting on a concrete ledge in Plaza Asuncion. Luis is a wildlife veterinarian and a more wordlywise person (that is to say, aware of how a foreign girl might feel surrounded by men like the guys in the Tres Reyes). He is someone I could be friends with. the place was beside his, it was a beautiful, modern, decent sized 1 bedroom place for the same price as what I'm paying now for sharing (plus a bit of electricity and water). I may be stupid not to take it, but I dont feel like its right. For one, i should be closer to the bus and train, as Im thinking of commuting to Sevilla 2 days a week, very, very early in the morning, which would pay my rent.

I met another woman who showed me a tiny 1 bedroom in San Miguel, in a genuine casa de vecinos. that would be totally fuerte... There would be my own kitchen and bathroom but Id have to go into a shared hallway to access them. the living quarters with the others would be quite close. there was a family gathered in the lower courtyard, hanging out like in old times, on this saturday afternoon. Would be an experience but I think its not what i need.

Anyways, I am back here, not having yet told Pepa for sure when or if I'm leaving, and not having decided which city i am going to try to look for students to fill my empty summer schedule with.

There is way, way too much to do. I need to get online and look at the thing I'm supposed to be translating, later this month. to do that I need to start reading some English financial or business stuff, so i can remember or keep up with terminology that doesnt come to my head. If i am going to figure out what i really want to do with my life, i need to get designing and sewing, at least until such time as i can start making shoes, somehow. My feria style blouse is sitting on the table with one arm, and all my handstitching. I need to go practice today and then I need to fit in a lesson with Marcelino who cancelled Monday to Wednesday. Luis the veterinarian, whose advice i trust because he is a young guy who knows what is going on around him and has some business sense told me that now is a perfect time to make a living teaching English. More and more I can see this is true. He says people's level of English here is really lacking and now with the crisis they want it more and more. That second part is obvious to me. In 10 years time, things will be different because the overall level may have increased. By then I hope to be making shoes and not need to teach English.