One day 6 years ago I came out of work and sat on the steps. I had a thought that I might lose my job and my boyfriend, or was it my house and my boyfriend. I don't know why I had that thought, but it terrified me.

Then it happened.

I should not be afraid of all that much any more. I am afraid of less now.

Now I am not thinking I am going to lose anything in the near future. It's not really loss I'm talking about - it's clearing things out of the way so you can see what is really inside; or clearing things out of the way that you think you want or need but don't.

Today I came to Sevilla and I cried. Everything is so uncertain and has been that way for 8 months, or longer. At least the sky was dark and with clouds moving fast, and it rained. Something tells me that I am still doing the right thing. That only now that I've spent pretty much all my money, will things start to happen.

I think perhaps what I have done may not have been sensible, or the best choice. That is beside the point, because it was my choice. I have an image of myself as someone in control. The people that know me appear to have an image of me, when they praise me. I don't like either of these images and they are not me.

I am the girl who is lost like someone treading water in the middle of the ocean. I am the girl who had thousands of dollars and spent it doing nearly nothing in Spain, and ended up with no magical light dawning and showing her what direction to go. I am a person who goes around utterly terrified, playing a guessing game about what "the right answer" is, that some kind of intuition or spirit should show me, but my heart is so closed, and I am so terrified of people, that I cannot follow my own real desires, let alone some grandiose thing that makes magic happen. I am a very weak and lonely child that is utterly desperate for genuine warmth. I like these images because they are my reality and the other is only what people like to see.

I am remembering now what Ben said: certain money that was made in a certain way maybe will not benefit you unless it is spent in a certain way. The money was due to trying to live a life I didn't want, that I knew from the start wasn't right. It was due to fear. I could not spend it trying to build up my life in the material sense, or even in other senses approved by the rational mind. All of that has had to be undone first. I've known for years that I have not been ready and may only be beginning now, to be in the position to want or to earn a stable life with worldly trappings. All of that is ugly to me if I am living in fear, doing work that suppresses me.