There are others like T. Sachiko is one of them - in a different way. Just before she left for Japan (she comes back at the end of this month) we talked. She managed to challenge me beyond where my thoughts or desires are willing to go. It was like an injection of life, hope... to take a sidelong glance at what might be there inside me that I have dared not look at.

I have been unable to want anything with a desire too strong, since I lied to myself and forced myself beyond what I was capable of with my physics degree and my piano, years ago; essentially I have been emotionally and psychologically crippled with regards to what I do in life. I hate hearing that anyone thinks what I've already done is great. I have not known that it is possible to desire and work towards something with passion, unless there is a damaging forcefulness behind it. So I have avoided and not looked for what it is that I really want. Besides, I am cursed with the epitome of Anglo-saxon-ness, in pretending to be humble - trying to be too cool. "Oh, ha ha - everybody wants to be a rock star - how stupid".

We talked about being hungry for what you really want. Being so hungry that it doesn't matter what other people think, or if you look stupid. We talked about another Japanese friend of hers that has worked unbelievably hard because she wanted so badly to dance. How this girl never makes anyone else feel inferior, how she has her own style, and how the Spanish respect her. How she doesn't seem to even practice crazy fast footwork in the studio.