Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it trying to change your life, trying to pursue something you want. Sometimes anxiety and paralysis happen. Not having very clear goals and even less clear ideas about how I am going to accomplish them makes decision making hard. The problem was deciding where to live and having spurious suggestions from friends, making the decision process harder.

Eventually after a painful day, I decided to just call up the original apartment that I felt comfortable with. Now I am really not sure if I made the right decision, because I went over and over it in my mind, and doubted it so much. The problem is fear of making a mistake. The mistakes have cost me too much in the past - mental health. This place lacks light. But it is an old, interesting building and the girl who is the owner's daughter is a very artistic person, seems really relaxed - like she exists in a different world from mine, kind of, and seems cool. There will be two others - I don't know who they are yet. All of that might be a bad idea. I can still change my mind before Monday, or even before the 1st.

Who knows. Hopefully this won't be another bad judgement thing like the pee lady. But my problem is this: I am at a crossroads where I have to start living. That means actually being consumed by something else other than thinking and worry. The only way forward is to start letting something I love take me over. It is going to take re-training to do that. If your conscious and unconscious thoughts and emotions during the day are taken over by some pursuit that you truly love and are passionate about - that has taken hold of you from the inside, then small issues with people or silly problems with physical surroundings will not matter very much. Or at least you can bear them until such time as you can change.
I don't really know how to do this yet. It seems so obvious but never knew it before.

There is no simple way to become like that. You can't just wait until you have more confidence, or wait for something to fall from the sky. You have to just DO something. No wonder that large multinational company that has factories in China and produces shoes is so successful. Their slogan that everyone knows is the key to success.

Whether this apartment turns out to be totally wrong and my entire time here turns out to be a tonteria, is beside the point. I need to take action, I need to start doing what I love and as for the rest of the incidental decisions, like which apartment to live in or which crappy job to support myself while I pursue what I want, I just need to grab one and go.