Today I decided to quit lying to myself, and decided to lie to other people instead, if it is necessary under the circumstances, to protect myself. I ended up in La Rinconada in the middle of the afternoon, feeling utter verguenza (shame). What I said was not really a lie - I was incapable of teaching a class, and I was not well - in the head. I refused the only English teaching job offered me, at the last minute, and left them hanging.
Nina, an English girl in Maria's shop on Saturday, connected me up with a school who wanted someone. She left a message yesterday to tell me, right before I went for a run yesterday. I got depressed. I knew I didn't want to do it. I waited and waited, and finally I called her. She told me to at least talk to them, then I'd be certain.
The trouble is, I know me. Unfortunately, I have a penchant for trying to force myself to do things that seem logical; most reasonable, despite my gut feelings. I should have known not to even call them. They gave me an hour to decide. I went to see Maria. The day before, she told me, "I am your abuela here. If you ever need anything, just tell me." I told her the situation and she is cool enough that she understood. I've trusted friends' opinions in the past, in desperation, because they were "cool" and had their lives together, and were people who didn't compromise their souls to get by. But I should have learned by now that no matter how cool they are, what seems like a good idea to them may not be for me. She advised me to take the job, saying that it only had to be for a short time, so when they called, I said yes, I'd meet them to talk.
They were two girls, younger than I, and really sweet people. Their school is in a small village half an hour from here by train. It probably would have been a really nice little place. Their approach seemed relaxed and they were interested in quality; nobody was being forced to learn here, they were students who were interested in English and good at it.
It may have been one of the few really nice teaching English jobs, except for the fact that it would be an hour commute each way including walking and getting on the train. The money was peanuts, but they were in the end willing to hire me without a proper work permit. This is why I have not had any of the other schools actually call me back by now. These people were desperate and wanted me to start today.
You can only use your mind to override your gut feelings and true desires for so long before it backfires. That's what I've been doing all my life. I did that with math and physics. I did it in a relationship. And in my job.
Yesterday in my run, I had trouble breathing. I tried to talk myself out of the depressed feelings. All night after telling them I'd take the job, I was tense - my whole body. Several times earlier in the day, I knew the answer should be no. Some part of me was telling me that loud and clear. You know you have to take it seriously when you start having thoughts of leaping out the window. Those thoughts aren't "pre-meditated" or dramatic, and I don't have them otherwise - but I become that way when my mind tries to convince me that everything is fine when something inside me is raging that it is not. I recognise that kind of thing now for what it is - suppression of real feelings, of gut reactions.
This morning I called and told them I couldn't do the job, but I'd show up today to not leave them hanging. I could hardly bear the thought. Especially after disappointing them. You force yourself beyond what you are willing deep down, to bear, trying to use your mind to impose "reason" on yourself. Eventually your body fights back and shuts down your mind. I couldn't think. I couldn't begin to figure out how I was going to face 5 hours of diverse classes - from 7 year olds to adults with no English experience. With no preparation. I was so distraught I didn't know how I would manage to force myself to say "hello, how are you" and start the class the standard way they wanted, and follow along with the textbook.
Teaching was a default job for me, as it is for many people. I did not uproot myself and come half the way across the world to continue living in resignation. That's only part of the problem: I don't believe in formal education. Education is an obedience program for society. Created during the industrial revolution to dull human beings so that they would become good workers for someone richer than they. Education for rich people was always with private tutors, or in universities, which aren't the same any more as what they were when the first ones existed. I can't explain myself well, but something repulses me deeply about a group of people sitting in a classroom, with one person "imparting knowledge" to them.
I am deeply angry about education. About my experiences knuckling under without even realising what I was doing, since age 6; with continuing to work in this field, being required to do the same thing to others that literally has traumatised me. Physics laboratories are quite different from teaching English, but there is a common thing that remains. Schools are run on business plans - it's about money, not about creating livelihoods that are ethical and dignified, for all human beings. Formal education has enforced in me a rigid notion of time and rushing to finish things. It has caused me to be on edge thinking that is the only way to survive in the world. It has stifled my creativity, as it is known to do, to all those who do not openly rebel against it.
I hate teaching. It makes me terribly uncomfortable. I am a timid person, and automatically feel the need to please people. Teaching exacerbates this. I do not like who I am, when I am a "teacher". I am like my father and my grandmother. I am skilled with my hands. I would be so utterly relieved just to be able to sew things or work in some kind of shop.
For someone who has not forced themselves against their gut feelings already several times, or over long periods of their lives, doing something they really hate for a short time to get by, may be a good idea. But there are times when the mind and logic fail. Perhaps I made the "wrong" choice. Perhaps if I had been able to calm myself down and be reasonable, I could have done it and it would have been nice, or at least given my life desperately needed stability. But I couldn't.
Tutoring is not the same. I could make 15E an hour probably, or 12 at least (yes, peanuts, but the other jobs was 9.5E an hour), tutoring privately in Sevilla. I probably can manage to get some students. It would take a lot more preparation, but I would rather plan a lesson for one student, that takes more effort on my part, than be "the teacher" in somebody's school. This is something I don't think I will literally feel sick to my stomach about doing.
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